dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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