I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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