i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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