I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
