I puked a lego.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
