Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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