I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
