So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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