A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
