The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
