I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
