My room smells like vodka and shame
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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