listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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