i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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