It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
