Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
