Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
