I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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