so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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