youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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