I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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