I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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