Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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