Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize