Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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