You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
