I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize