3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize