About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
