Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
