it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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