um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
