It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize