You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
