The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
