I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
