god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize