Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
