he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
