the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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