Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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