dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
