Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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