We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
