I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize