The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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