she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize