I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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