Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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