There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize