i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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