***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can text with my tongue
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
