i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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