I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
