my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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