Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
