I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize