i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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