the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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