I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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