im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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