Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Couch. On fire.
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